We leave it up to the Gods.

On Sunday the 9th, I went to the ER for cramping. It turns out...TWINS and I was dehydrated. I upped my intake.

On Saturday the 15th I went bac to the ER. I started spotting bright red blood, and had been cramping pretty heavily. Turns out, one of my babes is a blighted ovum (which is fine, one is better than none) and I have a cyst on my right ovary. Thanks body for trying to ovulate during pregnancy!!!! WHoo!!!

I have zero faith at this point.

Either my body will expel the blighted ovum, or both.
Either my baby will absorb the twin or they will stay side by side remainder of the pregnancy.

The one baby is growing very well. Size and they saw a heartbeat. Couldn't count the beats but they saw a flicker. That is shwoing it's a LOT better than my last pregnancy. hCG is at 69,783!!!! That's really high for week 6. But, we continue on.

Take 2!!!

We found out Z is pregnant again. She's due on 4/9/16!!! She threw up while getting LM ready for summer school. She waited until K came home to tell and they went to the doctor to confirm. Will post throughout. Only about 3-4 weeks. SO it's pretty impressive with how it came up so fast. Twins? The ultrasound last week did show two follicles about to release. So far no symptoms other than that ONE vomit session. It's almost like baby was saying, "hey I'm here."

First Cycle after MMC/D&C

June 28, 2015. 4 weeks and 5 days after the D&C, I had gotten a "period". It was more painful than I remember but I suppose it should have been. I decided to do another round of Clomid. I think  the next round (if i can get myself to do it) will be my last attempt before we cease all attempts for the year, due to marital issues. As I write this it's been almost 7 weeks, I've made some friends that understand loss. I will never be the same. I cry almost everyday still, but I feel trying again while I have th chance will hlp me look forward. We buried our baby under a rose bush and I take obsessive care of it. We got the gender revealed from the Harmony Test results and we named her. K and Z have decided to get a matching tattoo in the same spot with a rose and Baby's name. We're excited.

To Try or Not to Try?

K has smoked cigarettes for 15 years. Z has a BMI of 44.6 (it had at one point been 66). K wants to try again. And Z is scared and trying to put it off. So Z makes a deal. If K quits smoking and walks five minutes a day Z will Work out everyday and when she has the first cycle, If we are mentally and emotionally ready, we try again. Well, to Z's surprise, K quit!!! Z has also lost 4 lbs. We're getting our bodies and our habits and environment healthier.

My Missed Miscarriage Expiriance

I was on prometrium for my pregnancy because when they tested me my progesterone levels were low. My last dose was a Tuesday morning.
Throughout the past week, when I had brown blood it had specks of I'm not sure what in with it. I don't know what it was and I don't know if i want to know. I know every story is different and all pain tolerance are different.

*FRIDAY*
2:30 pm Friday: Slight increase on cramping, feels like menstrual cramps now (I have heavy cramps with light bleeding)
7:20 pm Friday: a gush of blood.
7:43 pm Friday: blood is done. Cramping has subsided. I decide to get off the toiled.
Everything ceases for the night, no cramps, only brown blood when I wipe, I still wear a menstrual pad.
*SATURDAY*
11:53 am Saturday: back pain is kicking in. Getting surges of cramps.
3:47 pm Saturday, blood has turned from brown to red (yes it was brown blood all the way until now)
4:33 pm Saturday: Cramps are increasing. I have to focus on breathing through them. I could probably talk through them but I'm home alone and I feel weird talking to myself.
7:18 pm Saturday: Some darker blood, not tissue but it looks like maybe mucus but dark red and thick.
8:55 pm Saturday: Second wave of blood no tissues or clots. No change in cramps, still surging.
*SUNDAY*
4:00 am Sunday: Woke up with intense cramps probably an 7 or 8 out of ten seeing as I KNOW they could be a LOT worse. Red blood when I wipe
11:00 am Sunday: Run errands, feel bloated, uterus feels full. It is intense.
1:50 pm Sunday: Had to focus to breathe through the cramps. They get stronger. Pass ONE small clot. The size of a strainer hole, but it does not go through.
9:00 pm: going to bed. I'm so exhausted
*MONDAY*
6:15 am: I'm so freaking ready for this to be over with. I get a step stool, set up the bathroom complete with strainer and essentially squat*
6:35 am-11:43 am: blood clots start falling out. Bleeding has increased. My god. SO much blood. I had to move to the bath tub since my butt started falling numb
Noon: Cramps have slowed down an stop. I thought I passed them. Blood seems to be a light period so I resume my day.
10 pm: I try to sleep but the cramps/contractions are getting worse. I think I have an infection or something is going to happen. Going to call doctor in morning.
*TUESDAY*
6:25 am: I think i"m dying. No joke. It started feeling like pooping cramps but it's hurting so much. The cramps are constant and will not seize.
7:00 I feel a rush of blood. I run 8 feet to my bathroom to jump in tub but I'm covered in blood. I plop in the tub again.
7:15 am. I throw up water ( i hadn't have a chance to eat or drink yet) I call the hospital as I'm on the bathroom floor covered in blood. Doctor schedules a d&c for 6 hours.
8:14 am I think I'm pooping, it feels like a poop, I stand up and I thought my uterus fell out. (turns out that was labor and giving birth to a baby)

12:00 I go in for my d&c. I still have a lot of clots and they don't want it to turn toxic.


TWO WEEKS LATER< I PASSED ONE SMALL BLOOD CLOT, BLOOD EVENTUALLY TURNED BROWN AND STOPPED 13 DAYS AFTER D&C.

I had an excessive amount of blood because I was on prometrium. It was to build up the lining of my uterus.

We cried all day, we woke up and cried some more. Z is so angry, she feels betrayed, by her own body, by her friends for not believing what she suspected.

K is devastated that his baby is gone, that his first born is heartbroken that his wife is losing base with reality. We hung up the ultrasound on the wall to honor baby. All the friends that are in the most unhealthy relationships are the ones telling us to not give up and asking us when we're going to have more. We might not. I don't care. Any other babies are NOT going to replace the one I lost. My first baby. It's gone. I had one friend so insensitive tell me she didn't want either one of her kids and she makes me appreciate them more. How is that comforting? They have no idea what we went to get this far. They just look at their partner and they get knocked up (no joke, 3-5 kids in 4-7 years) 

Z and K's first year anniversary was May 23, 2015. What a great memory of year one. 

We lost the baby.
I knew it. I was right. I knew it.
So many feelings, so many thoughts.

It's the dating ultrasound, we brought our 5 year old after being reassured it's fine because my pregnancy is "perfect"....baby stopped growing 8 days after our last ultrasound  5 weeks ago. The baby died 4 weeks ago. It's still in my uterus. There's no heart. My poor 5 year old. My husband, my poor baby.
It's called a missed miscarriage. My body doesn't realize anything went wrong. It could've been the Prometrium prolonging it. But I stop immediately. I have three options, Try to pass it naturally, induce with Misoprostol (aka the "abortion pill) or I can have a D&C (an abortion except in this case the fetus' heart has already stopped)