Emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. Fears.

Some days are harder than others. It's obvious. Anyone in any position will say that it's not easy. Life isn't fair and it's difficult. We decided to share our thoughts, feelings, emotions, thoughts and fears with you to let you know, you're not alone.

Z:

• I'm terrified that I'll never conceive and I'll forever have that achy empty womb.
• I'm scared that I will actually be able to conceive. What if I DO become a birth mother. What if I get the dream labor or the morning sickness I've always dreamt of..will I be ready?
• I'm hopeful that every next doctor's appointment will be the last one and the next path is the next one. I'm defeated from YEARS and YEARS of actively trying and to no avail.
• I'm sad that every day I wake up to no poopy diapers or bottles to make.
• I'm angry that I'm reading stories in the news about how women are stabbing 6 children or drowning their children and here I spend my days crying and looking at baby stuff on Amazon.
• I'm disgusted that my body doesn't do the most basic function, menstruate and ovulate, what's the purpose of having these organs if they aren't even being used?!
• I'm depressed that the cost of all the modern medicine needed and steps I may need to take are so damn expensive.
• I'm pitiful of myself for us living paycheck to paycheck and in lower class not being able to plan to pay RE bills.
• I'm appalled that I think just simple fixes can fix such a complex issue.
• I'm exhausted from waking up EVERY MORNING forced to hold my first pee to take my BBT and then in turn dip a strip of plastic in my urine and wait 20 seconds and tape my pee strip to a piece of paper.
• I'm drained from crying all the time. When I watch FRIENDS on Netflix and Chandler and Monica have infertility issues and I cry from relating or when a friend openly admits to conceiving after tricking her new boyfriend to conceiving with a child.
• I'm annoyed with taking Metformin 500 mg EVERY morning (but I also I love it because it's helped me lose weight!)
• I'm frustrated with feeling like I'm all alone in this. I know I have my DH and I'm in a support group on social media.
• I'm overwhelmed with emotions I can't even remember or list for a lack of words.

K: I'm a man of few words and not so in touch with my emotions as the DW so forgive me for a lack of itemized bullet points.

• I'm sad for her. I see how it affects her and I wish I could do something to help her.
• I am upset I can't give my wife what she wants.
• I am frustrated she's frustrated. 
• I am angry the cost is so much. She deserves to have her ONE dream fulfilled.

T minus 11 days!

Next appointment is on 2/9/2015 and Z is terrified. Z knows that she has PCOS, 6 doctors prior to this one have confirmed but extra tests to see if there is additional issues wouldn't' hurt. She wants an hSG test done, and a semen analysis. Even though K has a child, it's been a few years and a LOT can happen and affect sperm. She's not sure if the doctor can test. Since the birth control didn't do it's job she doubts the next step will. She can't remember too much about about her appointment in September. The doctor gave such hope it seems all a blur but she thinks the doc said going on Clomid. She hasn't heard many positive or happy endings on Clomid. She understands that it's step therapy and it HAS to be done. But Z wants to just hop on the Gonal F and Follistim Train with an RE for the conductor.

The Timeline

Well, before we start the journey journal we should probably give you the history of us.

• 2006, Z went to her doctor after suffering from heavy irregular periods. That year, at 17 she was diagnosed with PCOS. The hirstuism, the insulin resistance, the hyperandrogenism, the anovulation, the polycystic ovaries, the whole nine yards. 
• 2011, K's first wife gave birth to a healthy little human. (No initial will be given), 2 years later they separate and she passes away unexpectedly and very suddenly many months later. 
• 4/2014 K and Z marry.
• 6/2014 K and Z go to a OB/GYN (insurance requires "step therapy" before agreeing to cover an RE). Z is put on 6 months birth control to teach her body what it's supposed to do.
• 9/2013 switch DR for a more supportive, optimistic, hands on DR. Dr #2 adds Metformin 500mg daily. Asks Z to lose weight.
• 12/2014 Off BC
• 2/2015 Z is down 40 lbs since September and no menstruation since going off BC :( Boo!!! Step one obviously didn't work