We leave it up to the Gods.

On Sunday the 9th, I went to the ER for cramping. It turns out...TWINS and I was dehydrated. I upped my intake.

On Saturday the 15th I went bac to the ER. I started spotting bright red blood, and had been cramping pretty heavily. Turns out, one of my babes is a blighted ovum (which is fine, one is better than none) and I have a cyst on my right ovary. Thanks body for trying to ovulate during pregnancy!!!! WHoo!!!

I have zero faith at this point.

Either my body will expel the blighted ovum, or both.
Either my baby will absorb the twin or they will stay side by side remainder of the pregnancy.

The one baby is growing very well. Size and they saw a heartbeat. Couldn't count the beats but they saw a flicker. That is shwoing it's a LOT better than my last pregnancy. hCG is at 69,783!!!! That's really high for week 6. But, we continue on.

Take 2!!!

We found out Z is pregnant again. She's due on 4/9/16!!! She threw up while getting LM ready for summer school. She waited until K came home to tell and they went to the doctor to confirm. Will post throughout. Only about 3-4 weeks. SO it's pretty impressive with how it came up so fast. Twins? The ultrasound last week did show two follicles about to release. So far no symptoms other than that ONE vomit session. It's almost like baby was saying, "hey I'm here."

First Cycle after MMC/D&C

June 28, 2015. 4 weeks and 5 days after the D&C, I had gotten a "period". It was more painful than I remember but I suppose it should have been. I decided to do another round of Clomid. I think  the next round (if i can get myself to do it) will be my last attempt before we cease all attempts for the year, due to marital issues. As I write this it's been almost 7 weeks, I've made some friends that understand loss. I will never be the same. I cry almost everyday still, but I feel trying again while I have th chance will hlp me look forward. We buried our baby under a rose bush and I take obsessive care of it. We got the gender revealed from the Harmony Test results and we named her. K and Z have decided to get a matching tattoo in the same spot with a rose and Baby's name. We're excited.

To Try or Not to Try?

K has smoked cigarettes for 15 years. Z has a BMI of 44.6 (it had at one point been 66). K wants to try again. And Z is scared and trying to put it off. So Z makes a deal. If K quits smoking and walks five minutes a day Z will Work out everyday and when she has the first cycle, If we are mentally and emotionally ready, we try again. Well, to Z's surprise, K quit!!! Z has also lost 4 lbs. We're getting our bodies and our habits and environment healthier.

My Missed Miscarriage Expiriance

I was on prometrium for my pregnancy because when they tested me my progesterone levels were low. My last dose was a Tuesday morning.
Throughout the past week, when I had brown blood it had specks of I'm not sure what in with it. I don't know what it was and I don't know if i want to know. I know every story is different and all pain tolerance are different.

*FRIDAY*
2:30 pm Friday: Slight increase on cramping, feels like menstrual cramps now (I have heavy cramps with light bleeding)
7:20 pm Friday: a gush of blood.
7:43 pm Friday: blood is done. Cramping has subsided. I decide to get off the toiled.
Everything ceases for the night, no cramps, only brown blood when I wipe, I still wear a menstrual pad.
*SATURDAY*
11:53 am Saturday: back pain is kicking in. Getting surges of cramps.
3:47 pm Saturday, blood has turned from brown to red (yes it was brown blood all the way until now)
4:33 pm Saturday: Cramps are increasing. I have to focus on breathing through them. I could probably talk through them but I'm home alone and I feel weird talking to myself.
7:18 pm Saturday: Some darker blood, not tissue but it looks like maybe mucus but dark red and thick.
8:55 pm Saturday: Second wave of blood no tissues or clots. No change in cramps, still surging.
*SUNDAY*
4:00 am Sunday: Woke up with intense cramps probably an 7 or 8 out of ten seeing as I KNOW they could be a LOT worse. Red blood when I wipe
11:00 am Sunday: Run errands, feel bloated, uterus feels full. It is intense.
1:50 pm Sunday: Had to focus to breathe through the cramps. They get stronger. Pass ONE small clot. The size of a strainer hole, but it does not go through.
9:00 pm: going to bed. I'm so exhausted
*MONDAY*
6:15 am: I'm so freaking ready for this to be over with. I get a step stool, set up the bathroom complete with strainer and essentially squat*
6:35 am-11:43 am: blood clots start falling out. Bleeding has increased. My god. SO much blood. I had to move to the bath tub since my butt started falling numb
Noon: Cramps have slowed down an stop. I thought I passed them. Blood seems to be a light period so I resume my day.
10 pm: I try to sleep but the cramps/contractions are getting worse. I think I have an infection or something is going to happen. Going to call doctor in morning.
*TUESDAY*
6:25 am: I think i"m dying. No joke. It started feeling like pooping cramps but it's hurting so much. The cramps are constant and will not seize.
7:00 I feel a rush of blood. I run 8 feet to my bathroom to jump in tub but I'm covered in blood. I plop in the tub again.
7:15 am. I throw up water ( i hadn't have a chance to eat or drink yet) I call the hospital as I'm on the bathroom floor covered in blood. Doctor schedules a d&c for 6 hours.
8:14 am I think I'm pooping, it feels like a poop, I stand up and I thought my uterus fell out. (turns out that was labor and giving birth to a baby)

12:00 I go in for my d&c. I still have a lot of clots and they don't want it to turn toxic.


TWO WEEKS LATER< I PASSED ONE SMALL BLOOD CLOT, BLOOD EVENTUALLY TURNED BROWN AND STOPPED 13 DAYS AFTER D&C.

I had an excessive amount of blood because I was on prometrium. It was to build up the lining of my uterus.

We cried all day, we woke up and cried some more. Z is so angry, she feels betrayed, by her own body, by her friends for not believing what she suspected.

K is devastated that his baby is gone, that his first born is heartbroken that his wife is losing base with reality. We hung up the ultrasound on the wall to honor baby. All the friends that are in the most unhealthy relationships are the ones telling us to not give up and asking us when we're going to have more. We might not. I don't care. Any other babies are NOT going to replace the one I lost. My first baby. It's gone. I had one friend so insensitive tell me she didn't want either one of her kids and she makes me appreciate them more. How is that comforting? They have no idea what we went to get this far. They just look at their partner and they get knocked up (no joke, 3-5 kids in 4-7 years) 

Z and K's first year anniversary was May 23, 2015. What a great memory of year one. 

We lost the baby.
I knew it. I was right. I knew it.
So many feelings, so many thoughts.

It's the dating ultrasound, we brought our 5 year old after being reassured it's fine because my pregnancy is "perfect"....baby stopped growing 8 days after our last ultrasound  5 weeks ago. The baby died 4 weeks ago. It's still in my uterus. There's no heart. My poor 5 year old. My husband, my poor baby.
It's called a missed miscarriage. My body doesn't realize anything went wrong. It could've been the Prometrium prolonging it. But I stop immediately. I have three options, Try to pass it naturally, induce with Misoprostol (aka the "abortion pill) or I can have a D&C (an abortion except in this case the fetus' heart has already stopped)

Z started cramping on Friday, and when she wiped, there was brown blood (old blood) but a few hours later, red blood. She went to the Emergency Room. here in the south it's awful, it's basically urgent care. The doctor looked at the cervix to make sure it was closed (it was) and drew some blood, her hCG levels were perfect. Doctor said everything points to a perfect pregnancy. Doctor said sometimes bleeding happens. Called regular doctor in the morning and was squeezed in. Regular OB said that I hav enothing to worry. The risks of losing the baby are slim to none, I relax, I'll see the heartbeat on Tuesday.

Completley paranoid?

Z is 9 weeks. She had morning sickness and breast tenderness, was tired and only slept in intervals. but everything seems to have stopped. The nausea, the vomiting, the breast tenderness, Z is freaking out. She fears we won't hear a heartbeat. She's obsessed and googling EVERYTHING about why all the symptoms can go away. Most say that at end of trimester 1 (which she isn't' at yet) they tend to disappear, but we're not there yet. Everything points to a missed miscarriage. I didn't know that was a thing, but we think it's happened. Everyone is telling us to be positive and it's all in her head or she's overreacting and needs to calm down because baby doesn't need this stress. We know, but we need an answer. Next ultrasound is May 19.

Yay!!! So far so good? I think.

Morning sickness is triggered by smells, and sights. It's really gross. We are desperate to see the baby so Z called the doctor and told them Z was cramping (She really was but She was probably exaggerating). We went in 4 hours later and we saw baby. It's 11 days behind schedule but there's a heart beat (it's slow heartbeat but it's a heartbeat) and they say once you hear the heartbeat the chances of it stopping are practically gone. So yay!!!!! Baby kind of looks like a thanksgiving turkey. It's also implanted really low to the cervix but it's there and it's safe on the left side of my uterus! So fingers crossed for a girl! WE both cried when we saw the baby and heard it. Never would we have thought this day came  (well K did but Z was skeptical). This is one for the books.

HOLY CRAP IT WORKED!

That's right! We did it. Clomid ROUND ONE worked. Crazy.  Z has been cranky and I was getting really angry and irritated with K so I decided to go kill some time. Z tested at 9:04 pm and nothing came up immediately so I just put it down on the sink. I laid on the bed and thought about how bored I was, so I decided to draw myself a bath, in passing i looked at the pregnancy test....and there it was..... A POSITIVE. WE HAVE A POSITIVE, PEOPLE!!!! Z screamed for K, we met in the middle of the house and Z just collapsed in his arms. K had Z test again and with a different brand and it came up instantly. I cannot believe it. It's really here. Mazel Tov!!!! Let's see how long we can keep this secret? Oh it lasted ten minutes. We told everyone close to us.  We'll call doctor Monday morning for an appointment. Since Z has PCOS she'll be deemed high risk.
In all the support groups Z was in, we never thought it would work the first round!!! She had started thinking that there would be more to it or more health issues that would prevent it but it's worked!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Molly it worked!!!!! I will always remember this day. The feelings, the happiness, the fears. It's just beautiful.

How the First Cycle Went

Z started her Provera on 2/10/2010.. At day 5 of 10 with her pills she started AF. She had some cramping that left her in the fetal position for about 20 minutes a few times every couple days and she seemed to be filled with rage and crying spells. She thought that it was just breakthrough bleeding because it got really light after about 24 hours. Doctor said that once bleeding starts whether heavy or light it's still considered a period and once period starts then stop taking Provera. So Z took Clomid for the first time on 2/16/15. Z believes she experienced hot flashes. But not many of them. It all of a sudden felt like she was having an anxiety attack mixed with her face feeling like she was burning in front of a fireplace. She ovulated on CD 18, 3/5/14. Unfortunately life got in the way and we did not BD on that day or the day after. So probably not going to happen this month. On day 21, 3/9/15 Z had her progestrone levels checked. They test declared her level was at a 2 with the hormones. They need to be in the teens. Not too discouraged thanks to some of the support group ladies. They say it's easily fixable with medicine and being more active. So DR is upping my Clomid for next month. FX!

Step 1

We went to my Ob/Gyn. We will do the following for 3 months. If no pregnancy for three months then we will be going to an RE.

She prescribed me Provera for ten days to jump start AF
My cycle will begin on the first day of bleeding.
Day 3 through Day 7 of bleeding I will be taking Clomid.
On day 21 of my cycle I will go back to have my progesterone levels tested to make sure everything is doing what it's supposed to and to make sure my levels are high enough to carry to term without complications like a miscarriage.

I of course spent $20 on a 300 day supply of OTC prenatal pills and $15 on eBay for OPKs for daily testing.

I'm terrified this won't work. I want to be optimistic because I know the human brain is just amazing but I'm so terrified of getting my hopes up that this won't work. Fingers crossed.

Emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. Fears.

Some days are harder than others. It's obvious. Anyone in any position will say that it's not easy. Life isn't fair and it's difficult. We decided to share our thoughts, feelings, emotions, thoughts and fears with you to let you know, you're not alone.

Z:

• I'm terrified that I'll never conceive and I'll forever have that achy empty womb.
• I'm scared that I will actually be able to conceive. What if I DO become a birth mother. What if I get the dream labor or the morning sickness I've always dreamt of..will I be ready?
• I'm hopeful that every next doctor's appointment will be the last one and the next path is the next one. I'm defeated from YEARS and YEARS of actively trying and to no avail.
• I'm sad that every day I wake up to no poopy diapers or bottles to make.
• I'm angry that I'm reading stories in the news about how women are stabbing 6 children or drowning their children and here I spend my days crying and looking at baby stuff on Amazon.
• I'm disgusted that my body doesn't do the most basic function, menstruate and ovulate, what's the purpose of having these organs if they aren't even being used?!
• I'm depressed that the cost of all the modern medicine needed and steps I may need to take are so damn expensive.
• I'm pitiful of myself for us living paycheck to paycheck and in lower class not being able to plan to pay RE bills.
• I'm appalled that I think just simple fixes can fix such a complex issue.
• I'm exhausted from waking up EVERY MORNING forced to hold my first pee to take my BBT and then in turn dip a strip of plastic in my urine and wait 20 seconds and tape my pee strip to a piece of paper.
• I'm drained from crying all the time. When I watch FRIENDS on Netflix and Chandler and Monica have infertility issues and I cry from relating or when a friend openly admits to conceiving after tricking her new boyfriend to conceiving with a child.
• I'm annoyed with taking Metformin 500 mg EVERY morning (but I also I love it because it's helped me lose weight!)
• I'm frustrated with feeling like I'm all alone in this. I know I have my DH and I'm in a support group on social media.
• I'm overwhelmed with emotions I can't even remember or list for a lack of words.

K: I'm a man of few words and not so in touch with my emotions as the DW so forgive me for a lack of itemized bullet points.

• I'm sad for her. I see how it affects her and I wish I could do something to help her.
• I am upset I can't give my wife what she wants.
• I am frustrated she's frustrated. 
• I am angry the cost is so much. She deserves to have her ONE dream fulfilled.

T minus 11 days!

Next appointment is on 2/9/2015 and Z is terrified. Z knows that she has PCOS, 6 doctors prior to this one have confirmed but extra tests to see if there is additional issues wouldn't' hurt. She wants an hSG test done, and a semen analysis. Even though K has a child, it's been a few years and a LOT can happen and affect sperm. She's not sure if the doctor can test. Since the birth control didn't do it's job she doubts the next step will. She can't remember too much about about her appointment in September. The doctor gave such hope it seems all a blur but she thinks the doc said going on Clomid. She hasn't heard many positive or happy endings on Clomid. She understands that it's step therapy and it HAS to be done. But Z wants to just hop on the Gonal F and Follistim Train with an RE for the conductor.

The Timeline

Well, before we start the journey journal we should probably give you the history of us.

• 2006, Z went to her doctor after suffering from heavy irregular periods. That year, at 17 she was diagnosed with PCOS. The hirstuism, the insulin resistance, the hyperandrogenism, the anovulation, the polycystic ovaries, the whole nine yards. 
• 2011, K's first wife gave birth to a healthy little human. (No initial will be given), 2 years later they separate and she passes away unexpectedly and very suddenly many months later. 
• 4/2014 K and Z marry.
• 6/2014 K and Z go to a OB/GYN (insurance requires "step therapy" before agreeing to cover an RE). Z is put on 6 months birth control to teach her body what it's supposed to do.
• 9/2013 switch DR for a more supportive, optimistic, hands on DR. Dr #2 adds Metformin 500mg daily. Asks Z to lose weight.
• 12/2014 Off BC
• 2/2015 Z is down 40 lbs since September and no menstruation since going off BC :( Boo!!! Step one obviously didn't work