We cried all day, we woke up and cried some more. Z is so angry, she feels betrayed, by her own body, by her friends for not believing what she suspected.

K is devastated that his baby is gone, that his first born is heartbroken that his wife is losing base with reality. We hung up the ultrasound on the wall to honor baby. All the friends that are in the most unhealthy relationships are the ones telling us to not give up and asking us when we're going to have more. We might not. I don't care. Any other babies are NOT going to replace the one I lost. My first baby. It's gone. I had one friend so insensitive tell me she didn't want either one of her kids and she makes me appreciate them more. How is that comforting? They have no idea what we went to get this far. They just look at their partner and they get knocked up (no joke, 3-5 kids in 4-7 years) 

Z and K's first year anniversary was May 23, 2015. What a great memory of year one. 

We lost the baby.
I knew it. I was right. I knew it.
So many feelings, so many thoughts.

It's the dating ultrasound, we brought our 5 year old after being reassured it's fine because my pregnancy is "perfect"....baby stopped growing 8 days after our last ultrasound  5 weeks ago. The baby died 4 weeks ago. It's still in my uterus. There's no heart. My poor 5 year old. My husband, my poor baby.
It's called a missed miscarriage. My body doesn't realize anything went wrong. It could've been the Prometrium prolonging it. But I stop immediately. I have three options, Try to pass it naturally, induce with Misoprostol (aka the "abortion pill) or I can have a D&C (an abortion except in this case the fetus' heart has already stopped)

Z started cramping on Friday, and when she wiped, there was brown blood (old blood) but a few hours later, red blood. She went to the Emergency Room. here in the south it's awful, it's basically urgent care. The doctor looked at the cervix to make sure it was closed (it was) and drew some blood, her hCG levels were perfect. Doctor said everything points to a perfect pregnancy. Doctor said sometimes bleeding happens. Called regular doctor in the morning and was squeezed in. Regular OB said that I hav enothing to worry. The risks of losing the baby are slim to none, I relax, I'll see the heartbeat on Tuesday.

Completley paranoid?

Z is 9 weeks. She had morning sickness and breast tenderness, was tired and only slept in intervals. but everything seems to have stopped. The nausea, the vomiting, the breast tenderness, Z is freaking out. She fears we won't hear a heartbeat. She's obsessed and googling EVERYTHING about why all the symptoms can go away. Most say that at end of trimester 1 (which she isn't' at yet) they tend to disappear, but we're not there yet. Everything points to a missed miscarriage. I didn't know that was a thing, but we think it's happened. Everyone is telling us to be positive and it's all in her head or she's overreacting and needs to calm down because baby doesn't need this stress. We know, but we need an answer. Next ultrasound is May 19.

Yay!!! So far so good? I think.

Morning sickness is triggered by smells, and sights. It's really gross. We are desperate to see the baby so Z called the doctor and told them Z was cramping (She really was but She was probably exaggerating). We went in 4 hours later and we saw baby. It's 11 days behind schedule but there's a heart beat (it's slow heartbeat but it's a heartbeat) and they say once you hear the heartbeat the chances of it stopping are practically gone. So yay!!!!! Baby kind of looks like a thanksgiving turkey. It's also implanted really low to the cervix but it's there and it's safe on the left side of my uterus! So fingers crossed for a girl! WE both cried when we saw the baby and heard it. Never would we have thought this day came  (well K did but Z was skeptical). This is one for the books.

HOLY CRAP IT WORKED!

That's right! We did it. Clomid ROUND ONE worked. Crazy.  Z has been cranky and I was getting really angry and irritated with K so I decided to go kill some time. Z tested at 9:04 pm and nothing came up immediately so I just put it down on the sink. I laid on the bed and thought about how bored I was, so I decided to draw myself a bath, in passing i looked at the pregnancy test....and there it was..... A POSITIVE. WE HAVE A POSITIVE, PEOPLE!!!! Z screamed for K, we met in the middle of the house and Z just collapsed in his arms. K had Z test again and with a different brand and it came up instantly. I cannot believe it. It's really here. Mazel Tov!!!! Let's see how long we can keep this secret? Oh it lasted ten minutes. We told everyone close to us.  We'll call doctor Monday morning for an appointment. Since Z has PCOS she'll be deemed high risk.
In all the support groups Z was in, we never thought it would work the first round!!! She had started thinking that there would be more to it or more health issues that would prevent it but it's worked!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Molly it worked!!!!! I will always remember this day. The feelings, the happiness, the fears. It's just beautiful.

How the First Cycle Went

Z started her Provera on 2/10/2010.. At day 5 of 10 with her pills she started AF. She had some cramping that left her in the fetal position for about 20 minutes a few times every couple days and she seemed to be filled with rage and crying spells. She thought that it was just breakthrough bleeding because it got really light after about 24 hours. Doctor said that once bleeding starts whether heavy or light it's still considered a period and once period starts then stop taking Provera. So Z took Clomid for the first time on 2/16/15. Z believes she experienced hot flashes. But not many of them. It all of a sudden felt like she was having an anxiety attack mixed with her face feeling like she was burning in front of a fireplace. She ovulated on CD 18, 3/5/14. Unfortunately life got in the way and we did not BD on that day or the day after. So probably not going to happen this month. On day 21, 3/9/15 Z had her progestrone levels checked. They test declared her level was at a 2 with the hormones. They need to be in the teens. Not too discouraged thanks to some of the support group ladies. They say it's easily fixable with medicine and being more active. So DR is upping my Clomid for next month. FX!